Lost, lost, lost, Found – Its like duck duck goose for adults except that the game gets more trying as you get older.

Are you ever surprised by how a certain circumstance can make you feel; a certain person, a certain place, a certain situation?  I used to think of myself as this ‘strong, in-control of my emotions, brave woman,’ and yet these days I feel wrapped in a sensitive outer layer, almost as if I am covered in bubble wrap.  Perhaps this is a product of circumstances.

It is those days that you run into that person, you visit a certain place, listen to a song and you are instantly brought back to a memory that feels so real.  It is those times you make a choice thinking it will make you feel one way, and yet you experience the opposite emotion.   We are all such a product of our lives, our circumstances, our experiences; and this isn’t necessarily such a bad thing.

I think about who I was at a certain point in my life, and forget that although I may have been that person then, I am not the same person now.  I would not necessarily make the same decisions, and if I did I will not react exactly the same, for “better” or for “worse.”  Although I believe that ultimately it is all for “better,” because each of those situations pushes us to become more of who we truly are.

I find that it is those decisions we make that are the hardest, or those places we run into that hurt the most, that are the ones to expose our true colors.  These are the situations that cause transformation to take place.  To feel the blood pump through your veins, to feel like the emotion and the pain makes your blood curdle while shaking you alive simultaneously, is when you know you are moving forward.  Nobody likes to be vulnerable, especially in our society, and yet this is part of the process.  This is part of getting a little further along.   

December 8, 2012:
Here I am drunk as a coyote sober as a mountain, sitting in a pile of fabric with no desire to sew at the moment.  The thought of sewing is overwhelming and the process takes too much concentration right now.  I am 30 years old and I have too many thoughts to keep in my head so I am writing as usual, but this time I will perhaps share my thoughts with the world.

My first thoughts for tonight have to do with what the hell am I doing with my life?  Does anyone else wonder such a thing.  I am at an age where everyone seems to be at very different spots in life – at least in the obvious physical sense – and it forces one to reflect on one’s own life and ponder.  Should I be where she is?  Do I want what he has?  What do I want to be doing with my life at this exact point?   Does it matter that she has two kids and I have none?  I have started my own private practice in nutrition which I love, but I also love the arts, the creative side of things: sewing, cooking, meshing shapes and patterns.  I have realized that it’s okay to love different things.  I have also realized that just because you go one way now doesn’t mean that you can’t go another way later on.  We live in a time where people have multiple careers, many different ways to pave your path.  There is no one right way!  I will seek out the professional directions that appeal most to me, and whatever comes through is the direction I am doing.  I am officially making it as simple as that.

On another note, I have come to another realization as of late, and this is the notion that there are things in life we are simply not going to understand and that is okay.  Stop trying to figure it out.  As humans, we want to make sense of things.  We like to understand why something happened.  “He must’ve deserved that, she clearly wasn’t into him,” etc etc.  And, sometimes we Can make sense of certain circumstances; but as I get older I have become more aware that there is so much we simply will not understand.  Each situation is completely different, and reasons we manifest are not always or close to, the truth.

People die, people get hurt, people win and people fail, we let our loved ones down, we choose paths others wouldn’t have guessed for us, we are good people who sometimes do bad things…It’s not always as simple as good and bad, heaven and hell, right and wrong..  Sometimes it’s just not that simple.  Sometimes we cannot possibly make sense of everything, and you know what it’s okay not to.  It’s okay to get away from the innate desire to figure it all out.  It’s often not always worth the energy to try and make sense of something we simply cannot make sense of.  I believe we would all be happier once we comes to terms with knowing that we’re just not going to figure it all out.